I'm so freaking scared to wake up each morning knowing that I am going into the exam hall and compete ever so silently with all the fuckingsmart people from RJ, HCI, NJ, VJ.

"You may begin."
I freeze in fear.
Should I say one more prayer?
Should I go to the toilet now to calm down.
Every paper, I feel like running away.


I'm not going to be happy on results day.

Man's Desire.

Why do we desire what we desire?
Do we really believe that possessing that new Ford will make us happier?

Suppose a new species invaded the Earth, took everyone away and left YOU, yes just you, alone.
You wake up to find that you can walk into candy shops and swim around in candy like Willy Wonka.
You find that you have access to all the alcohol you want. You are THE WORLD'S RICHEST. You are now the richest on Forbes 100 richest.
And suddenly, you don't want it any more.

So what drives us? It's the satisfaction of us being better off than the person next door. It's the knowing that you are more highly paid than your wife's sister's husband - men and their stupid ego. But who cares if we are not as rich as Warren Buffett, wealth is after all earning 100 more dollars than your neighbour.

So are we all full of desire because we are superficial beings?
It's difficult.
Even if we try [not to be superficial] - we are desiring, making an attempt to do something.


So why do we desire what we desire?
I guess only God knows.
Because I sure as hell don't.

A levels. Coming soon.

Next blog post. Coming soon.

I want it too!

http://www.wretch.cc/album/album.php?id=angelduck777&book=296

Go to the above link, I can't believe she kissed all those hot men in Paris.
Such a lucky girl.
SUCH A LUCKY GIRL.

Did I mention that I think she's such a lucky girl!

And now the real mugging begins!

Prelims are OVER.
And my brother is studying way way way harder than I am.

A little promise to myself:
I will not eat another piece of Sushi until I get an A for Chem.


That's all I have to say I guess.

Past Thoughts - But they never pass.

I was looking through one of my past diary entries. And I was a little surprised.
I guess it's always the case isn't it.

Sometimes, disgust. At how bad(too general a word?: atrocious) our language was at that point of time.
Sometimes, bad memories.
Sometimes, just plain smiles - you've clean forgotten about that happy memory, but you're glad you noted it down. Oh! How memories can fail us at times.


Anyway, I was glad to have found this little entry I wrote back in October 2006.

"The last of our human freedom - its to choose our attitude in any circumstance."


Indeed, past thoughts may never pass away. Because they remain with you forever.

The LAME Ones.

Ever realised that an anagram for MALE is LAME?
Yes, the male species is lame - spineless.

I have never felt a hate so strong for a group of people.
They make my blood boil.

Seriously.
Who ever gave them the right to have their egos and pride to be the centre of every damn person's life?
Maybe they should start taking a back seat.
Women can sometimes do without males.

The next time I cut my hair, I'm making sure I'm at least 5 kgs lighter.

Vanessa Hui. I really miss you.
Please hurry, come back.

Pseudo joy?

I wonder how you feel.
Same as how I feel?

Race.

Amidst the noise, the laughter and the screams of joy when a football goal is scored. I studied at Ridout Tea Garden, and took notice of that extremely cute couple and kid that sat at the corner of the vicinity. While I was looking at them, a sense of awe and envy raced through me. Envy? Yeah. The couple - ever so happy - was a Chinese-Indian one.
I secretly wish I were the kid.

On second thought, no.

The Crosses We Bear.

I looked at mom, and saw how weak she was.
But too scared was I to stretch out a hand to offer her comfort or support.
What exactly was stopping me, a fear or embarrassment? It sounds insane to be embarrassed in front of a person you have puked on, cried on, fed off, slept on and hugged to sleep even when you look like shit.

I have learnt, through the many years of torn relationships and ditching, that ultimately you walk this world alone. But that calls no need for a surge of sadness to flow. Because everyone goes through the same thing; that - common emptiness is something that fosters a bond among all us all.

Everyone dies.
Some have parents who die young. Some have parents who live till they are a ripe old age.
I guess it's a matter of time when mine will go; I'm just praying it ain't too soon.

The crosses we bear are all different and unique. I guess no one will ever understand them.
But why would we need someone to understand them? To feed our insecurity?

We live alone, and the greatest testimony of faith is when we carry them,
without complaint and without grudge.
What a beautiful depiction of the human spirit.
Because it is through suffering that the strength of the human spirit is resonated.

Happy. Or just conscious?

I've been FEELING quite happy these past few days.
So much has happened: stepping down from council.

"Hello Nat! It's just ONE thing! That ain't so much."
You have no idea.


Let's now refer to the first statement I wrote. You might have bothered to notice I capitalised the word "feeling".
Not for the purpose of conveying any sort of negative cynical connotation where I am doubting my own emotions. It's more of a mental note - to remind myself to talk about "feeling happiness".

Had a GP lecture on happiness about three weeks ago, and it got me thinking (just a little).
Why am I feeling happy? Pleasure? Satisfaction from something? Absence of displeasure?

Let's just say I'm feeling happy because I feel pleasure, why don't we create a drug. Let's spam pharmacies with happy-hormone drugs - a pill does it all.
The idea not so attractive or appealing? Maybe so.
I guess working towards a certain goal to attain that state of happiness is the actual happiness itself.

It's so strange how I derive happiness from my struggles.

Yeah. So I'm struggling. Very much, I'm trying.
But in my struggling, I am happy.

Man-friends.

I VERY rarely write about people on this blog. But today I am going to.

Many people getting attached. And over the past two weeks, two of my great friends finally found happiness in the form of a man-friend (boy friend sounds retarded because the impression of boy is boy = child).

Congrats BBF, Amirah!
You've finally settled down. Let's hope this all works out.
I'm here to run to, so if anything. I'm just next door.
Love.

And to Megan!
Bet you didn't see it coming. But love the way you two look together.
I really really do. =D


This is such a strange post.